Through the chaos.

 

Life's been better lately. Not perfect, never that. But better. And that alone feels like a quiet victory. I still go through it. I still overthink. Still get emotionally flooded out of nowhere. My trust issues haven't really vanished. They still show up, especially when I feel vulnerable or unsure. And with my flying roster constantly flipping my days and nights, it gets hard to find any real rhythm. Some weeks, I feel like I'm just floating. Physically exhausted, emotionally scattered, mentally drained. 

But I'm still going. Still trying. And that means something. At least for me.

There's been a shift in me. I'm no longer drowning in the same way I used to. The lows don't swallow me whole anymore. They still come, but I've learned how to sit with them instead of letting them consume me like how it used to. I've learned how to rest when I can, cry when I need to, and most importantly.. Keep moving, even if it's slow. 

One of my biggest sources of comfort lately? Nobu. Ever since I brought him into my life, things have felt..softer. He's clingy and expressive and loves to yap like he owns the house, but honestly that little white fur ball brings me so much joy. He makes the house feel less empty, and the quiet moments less lonely. Some days when I'm overwhelmed or mentally drained, he just plops next to me like "I got you!" And yes, he does. In his own fluffy annoying perfect way. 

My people, My pillars. But beyond all that, the it's the support from my people that really keeps me going. My family. My friends. The ones who never gave up on me. Who held space for me through my mess. Who never judged me when I unraveled. They reminded me, sometimes quietly. Sometimes loudly, that I'm loved. That I matter even when I couldn't see it myself. 

The quiet life of my father. And in the softest, stillest corners of my heart, there's my dad. His spirits, his memory. It never left me. There are days I feel like giving up, days where everything feels so heavy. And on those days, I think of him. I imagine what he'd say, how he'd remind me of my strength without needing to say much. I carry him with me- in the silence, in the chaos, in the way I keep showing up for myself. 

Still healing. Still here. I'm not fully okay. I still stumble. Still overthink. Still feel too much. But I'm also softer. More grounded. More aware of the light trying to peek through the cracks. Life hasn't been easy, but it's been real. And with Nobu's yaps, the love I'm learning to let in, the family and friends who anchor me, my dad's quiet strength still guiding me.. I think I'm going to be okay. Maybe even more than okay.

"She was never quite ready, But she was brave. And the universe listens to brave."

-Lang Leav.